confidence

New Years Changes

As almost every single post and Facebook status will say, new year new changes!
I have had such an incredible year – I have been living in Sydney and met some of the most incredible people I have known, I have travelled throughout Australia, New Zealand, Fiji and the USA and then I came back home to my friends, got straight back into work, met even more new friends and have started to re-settle down again.

Although, I have had such a great year, I have also had quite a tough time running alongside too. I have been ‘diagnosed’ with Anxiety and I hate it. As you might have read from my previous posts about this, I never realised that I had it before, I thought that I was just a constant worrier and got overly-stressed over any little thing and it was normal. Things just got worse and worse, up to the point that I had to go to the doctors to ask about this and seek for help. You can read more about this in my previous blog posts.

But, moving back onto the subject of my New Years changes: I want to overcome my anxiety (it’s not as easy as it sounds) but I want to at least make some progress, learn to not worry as much about the littlest of things in life, not take comments to heart and not listen to what people think of me as a person (most of the time, they don’t think anything but I just assume – hey, anxiety for you!).

I have always been a strong person and I have felt myself drop in this, the last 6 months. I want to become a really strong person again and just rebuild myself and my confidence. I want to be able to control my thoughts and push back the thoughts that I don’t need to be worrying about.

I am hoping to have a fresh, new start and really get stuck into my career in the next year. I am planning on moving from home again, possibly get a part time job for the time being so that I can concentrate on learning new skills so that I can become more confident within the Web Development industry.

So, they are my goals for the year. They aren’t exactly the cliched ‘resolutions’ but these are my main goals and what is relevant to me: be happy, grow and develop my skills and become a stronger person.

What are your New Years Resolutions? Do different countries have different traditions for New Years? Let me know below!
Happy New Year to you all!
Zoe
xx

My Experience at High School

Have you ever had a time that you regret and would love to change it all? I do, although I would hate to go through everything all over again. I’m glad that I finished school and it was all behind me.

(Where I come from, we call it Comprehensive school but I understand that most other places it’s High School. Just to clarify that, incase I end up saying ‘Comp’ or ‘Comprehensive’ throughout this post!)

So, I started high school in 2003 and I didn’t really mind it at the time. I had my group of friends from my Primary/Junior school and I didn’t mind the lessons there. But when I got into Year 8/9, things got harder for me. Some of the pupils in my year, mainly the odd one or two ‘populars’ would start to make fun of me and try to have a laugh with their friends by trying to knock other people down. I never really took this too far to heart, as I was quite a strong person on the inside. Although, it did start to make me feel a little more self conscious about myself and my appearance.
When I got to Year 9, I was friends with a variety of people from different groups, and sadly I would go out of my way to try and fit in. I hated this so much and I still hate that I even tried that to this very day!
I would try to wear make up, plastering it on, I would straighten my hair and get a new hair cut to ‘be cool’. I would also wear the same sort of boots everyone did at school, the same style of coats, listen to awful chav music and then I would change my ways in class.
This is the one I hate the most, I have always been good at school but in this year I thought that it would be cool to act up in classes, try to be the funny guy by shouting things out and being a complete brat just to ‘fit in’ more.

I slowly got out of that phase when I got to Years 10 and 11, when I saw that I was just slacking in school. I started to find my own proper group of friends that I fit in with, had the same interests with and hung around with them ever since.
We all had the same taste in music, films and all enjoyed to succeed in school.
We all got called the ’emo’ group of the school, but I didn’t care as we all got on so well anyway. Things were looking up from there onwards.

Until one day at school, this tall, tomboyish girl came up to me in school at the start of assembly and started to shout at me. She said ‘Have you been going around telling people that I’m a lesbian? Have you?’ I would say no, because I hadn’t as I didn’t even know her. But she wouldn’t believe me and carried on shouting things as everybody else in my year just stared and watched. She said that she’d see me after assembly, that was where she shouted at me even more and threatened that she was ‘going to get me’ and I had better watch out.

She never actually ‘got me‘ but still, whenever I would bump into her at school (she wasn’t in any of my classes), she would always try to intimidate me and even when I would walk home, she would follow me as she lived further up than me, whilst shouting threats. Obviously, this made me feel really uncomfortable and I just didn’t want to go to school, I felt like each day I was taking a risk by actually going although I always put on a brave face, I never showed her that I was taking it to heart. At this stage, I decided to take up kickboxing with a few of my friends as self defence because you never know when you’ll even need it. I thoroughly enjoyed going, it was so much fun and you get in great shape. It turns out that a lot of people knew that we did this and it got around the school, from then on she didn’t seem to bother with me much more, which I was surprised about! (Not that I’m saying that you need to take kickboxing or anything, I’m just pointing out what I did!) 🙂

But, I absolute hate the become I pretended to be whilst in school so much. I could’ve had better grades if I didn’t mess about and try to act cool, and oh, the photos of my school days that make me cringe so badly! Haha! I guess most people go through a funny phase whilst in school though, when they try to find themselves! Eek!

I just want to say be yourself, even if people want to mock you or say something about you. The best way is to be yourself, ignore haters and do what you love to do!
This part of my life is such a huge regret to me, not that I can do anything about it. It’s in the past and I came a long way from that luckily! I am comfortable with who I am, I read 24/7 and I love to educate myself constantly on even the most random of things! Love to learn. Come on, it’s not cool to act stupid.

I am also currently reading a book called Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher, which is about a girl that committed suicide in high school and recorded 13 tapes, which had 13 reasons to why she did it, which involved thirteen different people. Although I obviously didn’t go through anything like this, I think that this book sends out such a strong message to people and makes you think twice about how you treat others. You might not think that it’s going to harm someone, but the little things build up and up, that might be enough for them. I definitely knew quite a few people in my year that had a really tough time like that, and got bullied very often which people didn’t think would harm someone and was ‘just a laugh’ with their friends. I am going to be writing a blog post on this though soon, so I’ll leave it for then but I thought that I would just mention it as I’m in the state of mind for this!

I wouldn’t hold a grudge about the person that use to ‘bully’ me at school (I don’t really like to call it bullying, as it seems to serious, but I guess it is definitely classed as bullying). I just hope that this person realises what they use to do to several other people at school and think of it from their perspectives, how they use to feel at school and just see how they can change and grow from what they did in the past.

When I go places like Starbucks and I see a group of high school girls that are all gossiping, I can’t stand to sit there and have to listen to some things that are being said. I know they think no harm of it, a lot of people in high school don’t but when they’re all saying stuff like ‘Do you like ‘this person? No, I hate her, she’s really weird bla bla bla’  – I can’t stand to hear it, because maybe this person on the other end gets bullied a lot and absolutely hates going to school, like I use to?

Anyway, I’m going to try end this here – I don’t want it to be a massive essay, maybe I’ll write a few posts on bullying and other issues in the future?
Did any of you have bad experiences at school? Even if people had the intentions on doing so to you, or if they didn’t think it would harm? Did you have great experiences?! Let me know your stories, I love to read about them! (I’ve even added a lovely cringey old photo of me, just for you guys too!)
xx

How shall I film my TBR?!

Last night, I filmed a TBR when I had a private room as I would just get some really, really weird looks from people in dorms otherwise haha! But, after I filmed it, I absolutely hated my footage. I looked so awkward and nervous, not forgetting that my speech was all over the place. Sometimes when I’m doing a proper video and not a vlog, I can’t get my words out and then it really stresses me out.

So, I decided to wait and hold off on the video and went on a little advice rant instead. Clearly, this was before I had an anxiety freak out but I thought that I’d still post it anyway as it’s what I was thinking at the time.

So basically, I wanted to ask you guys if it would bother you, if I filmed my TBRs like a vlog? Obviously I will try not to move the camera around a lot, but I will just be holding the camera instead until I get more confidence at talking about the books I have read (as I’m not too great at explaining on the spot!).

Let me know and I’ll really appreciate your opinions on this!
Prepare to cringe at the video, because I most certainly do!
xx